by Mardie Swartz
Mardie Swartz has spent 29 years behind bars in Texas. This poem is about the time approaching when she will finally be beyond bars.
I remember beginnings –
The first time I was molested
Sold, abandoned, raped
The first drink, snort, shot of
Whatever would numb some
of the pain. The first time I
ran, and the first time I
just stayed and closed my eyes.
The first time I tried to hang.
I recall pissing on myself
In fear when I entered jail
at sixteen. The smell of
vomit, stale bodies, and
broken lives seeping into my
skin and hair as
I huddled in a corner
trying to be invisible again.
I can still feel the smooth
slice and burn of steel parting
flesh. The pulse of my lifeblood
racing forth when I tried to
Give the state back my seventy-five years –
The easy way…….
A cascading red necklace
made of anguish and despair.
As days became months,
became years
then decades which melded into
monotonous monologues with different
faces but familiar themes,
hope became dust motes in a sunbeam –
briefly glimpsed, but intangible,
Weightless
Subjective
Meaningless
And yet.
With the changing of the
calendars, the changes in
the mirror, came the
changes in my soul –
Emerging from the shattered
mess of degradation and shame
arose a survivor, a warrior
an unconquerable heart
who dared to look up,
lift my head,
and piece together a life amid the dross and dregs
of the irredeemable.
As the end comes,
I realize
everything I’ve heard
about it
is false.
Betrayal no longer matters
Hatreds are forgotten,
forgiven. Abrupt
Partings for weird reasons
are resolved, and love
comes crashing against
my heart’s door.
There is no longer fear
of the unknown
but a gripping, relentless
excitement
as months become days,
become hours,
minutes,
seconds –
And I walk out the gates
to a new beginning
toward my own
until now unimaginable
destiny
without fences and bars
I remember mardie when I use to vist you at Gatesville. your poem Is as awesome as you . enjoy your freedom barry goldman